Perhaps you've heard that I'm going to the Ugly Sweater Party at Joe Momma's tonight, downtown at 112 S. Elgin Ave. Of course, I waited until today to realize that no sweater ugly enough to win any sort of contest is within the meager sphere of stuff I own.
Yesterday I asked my Facebook and Twitter buddies to help me narrow down which thrift stores I should hit to score the most hideous, the most appalling, the most gag-inducing sweater in the universe.
They, as per their usual, came through for me. Head to Value Thrift Store at 11th and Memorial, the local Internets said. And I obeyed, as per my usual when disembodied voices tell me to do things.
Confession: For all of my penny-pinching ways, I've never really been a thrift store shopper. As in, I'd maybe been to one thrift store before today and that was, like, ten years ago. Consignment stores, yes. Thrift stores, no.
I'm not sure why, though. It's not that I'm freaked out by the prospect of purchasing used goods. Half the stuff that's in my house right now had previous lives somewhere else. Plus, check out the cool stuff you could have if you're into buying pre-owned:
That last one could just as well be a photo of my room in 1985 as it could be a photo of the toy department at Value Thrift Store.
I still miss my Cabbage Patch dolls, naked or not.
VTS is actually a pretty nice place. It offers a ton of selection in women's, kids' and men's clothing of all kinds, toys, housewares and furniture. Everything is well-merchandised, easy to find and fun to shop.
I like this. But I can't tell you why. I just do.
I like these, too, and I can tell you why. They remind me of my grandmother and some plates she might have used back in the '80s. My grandma has always had pretty dishes.
So, back to ugly sweater shopping. I wasn't sure where to start. My fashion sense isn't exactly the sharpest on the block, so I wondered if I should go with whatever sweater I liked best to, you know, hedge my bets. With that strategy in mind, I hit the racks.
I soon found I needed to come up with some other plan of attack.
I know this isn't a sweater but, hey, it's cute and snappy and has a slice of pie printed on it. And you know how I feel about pie. I just had to show you.
I really wanted my husband to buy this one. He said no.
Fleece! How I itch thee.
Again, this photo could just as well be of my bedroom in 1985 as it could be in the sweater section of a local thrift shop.
What's this even supposed to be? Animal print? Landscape? A cross-section of that leftover pot roast that's been in my fridge for six weeks?
And the designer of this sweater was going for...that hairball look?
Found in the men's section. No, really.
A few more picks for my hubby:
This sweater belonged to either Bill Crosby or my dad at some point. I just know it.
I think we have a winner.
Tell me I look good.
Which is going to give me a better chance of winning the contest tonight, y'all: This one or that one?
Don't bother looking, Tash - there's nothing to see back there.
My little sister got all the good booty genes.
Okay, friends, I need your help.
Using the poll above, vote which sweater I should wear tonight to the Ugly Sweater Party at Joe Momma's.
I'll wear whichever one you choose. I'm at your mercy. Do with me as you please.
Then come see me rock the woolen winner of the Reader's Choice Awards: Ugly Sweater Edition at the party tonight. It starts at 9. On hand will be live entertainment, beer specials, prizes and darned good company.
Be there or be somewhere else wishing you were there.