How To Dine Out With a Two-Year-Old

The holiday season is one of the only times my husband and I have the courage to take our toddler to a restaurant for dinner.

We often talk about our childless years when date nights were ruined by screaming babies brought out by parents with what seemed at the time like nerves of steel (not to mention the stubbornness of a herd of water buffalo).

We vowed to never be "one of those people."

One's aspirations for parenthood before parenthood actually sets in are always lofty.

They're also totally impractical and unworkable and, often, unabashedly sanctimonious. We know that now. We laugh at our former selves as, at one of those restaurants that dims the lights at 7:30 and offers more than one size of fork, our child throws his sippy cup across the dining room, winning the stink eye from single twenty-somethings and the waitstaff and looks of sympathy from the mother of five at the other crappy table the restaurant reserves for families with young children.

Oh, yes, we are "those people" every now and again. Normally, we try to avoid upsetting the apple cart. The holidays, however, are a time of moratorium for this policy.

Why? Because everyone else has the same idea. We've noticed that more parents have the courage to load up their spawn in the van and head out for a bite at this time of year. The sound of these parents' kids' bawling and squawking masks our kid's outbursts. It works great for us.

Even during this time when we have the opportunity to step into a restaurant without causing the atmosphere of the place to freeze over, when we go out, here are our rules for survival:

1. Though my dad will try to ground me for a month when he reads this, we think that since adults get to have toys at the table, kids should, too. These toys can be a chance for children to learn by imitation.

See?

2. Help your child eat his/her dinner. There's no faster way to end up with a lap full of pudding than to leave a child to his own devices at the dinner table.

When it comes to drinks, be especially helpful.

And that's why.

3. To prevent a meltdown, cater to a child's preferences. In our case, that means removing the crust from anything involving bread or a sandwich.

Here's what happens when we don't submit to the will of our toddler:

The wailing is even uglier than the photos.

4. Last but not least, when finishing a meal away from home, always overwhelm an independent child with close contact - namely, with hugs and kisses.

After all, what's the use of taking a toddler to a restaurant if you can't at least enjoy a little troublemaking?