Take YOU Out to the Ballgame

I've done my fair share of crazy things:

• I eloped with my husband after knowing him for just two months (also the most exciting thing I've ever done);
• I showed up in a local newspaper office one day, completely unqualified, unsolicited and a little sweaty, asked for a job and was, against all logic and reason, hired;
• I stayed at a convent for a week, where I ate peanut butter and jelly for days on end, used up all their chocolate soap and got chased by a snake;
• I even let my husband eat Cheez Whiz off my toes once. That was only because we played Truth or Dare with the wrong people that night, but still.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm a maniac. But, what I did on a sunny day earlier this month topped them all.

I auditioned to sing the Star Spangled Banner at a Tulsa Drillers game. In public. And it was really, really loud and really, really embarrassing.

From what I've heard, these auditions are an annual tradition for fairgrounds-area residents. Many of them pull up a chair on the front porch, put on a Paula Abdul wig and judge the singers, who get on a microphone hooked up to the stadium's sound system that's cranked up loud enough for everyone from Big Splash to the Reasor's at 21st and Yale to the Quiktrip at 21st and Harvard to hear every vulnerable note.

I'm sure this little hootenanny will be sorely missed once the Drillers move to their new stadium in downtown Tulsa.

I was notified my audition time was 3:50 p.m. I was to remain flexible, however, because auditions were scheduled every five minutes and when that many people are showing up to try their hand at one of the most range-challenging songs ever written in sight of the glaring public eye, well, time slots can go straight to h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

Learning that they scheduled someone to sing every five minutes from noon until 6 p.m. pretty well freaked me out. I thought, "In front of exactly how many people am I about to make a fool of myself?" Then I did the math - up to 72 contestants, plus their friends and family and curious onlookers. But, since I'll do just about anything to give my TDT readers a good show while supporting local sports teams, I shook my nerves, slammed a shot of whiskey and took the field.

Or, I should have slammed a shot of whiskey. You guys, I totally bombed. When it was my turn, I started the song on this note I've never even heard before. Plus, it was about a half-octave too high - "o'er the land of the freeeeee" would have no place to go but my hiney, which felt like I'd sat on a porcupine I was so nervous.

I started over and gave it the old college try, but in the end, I handed the microphone over and ran from the stadium, in a fit of screaming and gnashing of teeth as everyone in the stadium pointed and laughed. One day, I'll recover. I'm just glad our health insurance covers prolonged stays at a mental hospital.

Anyway. I know it's late notice, but I have six tickets to tonight's Drillers game. Problem is, I can't use them. I have a party to crash. You'll be glad, because I'll be way, way too far away for you to hear me singing our nation's anthem.

The seats are great: Section 36, Row D, Seats 5-10. You wouldn't want to get much closer to the action than that.

Since it's such short notice, and since six tickets is a lot to give away, the first commenter on this post gets 'em.

Play ball! And stomp on my heart and spit in my eye.