Monday, August 24, 2009

To The Board of the Ottawa County Fair

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Dear Sirs:

While at your county fair last weekend the fact came to my attention that several items and livestock in your exhibition hall are in violation of one or more of the following universal rules:

1. No animal on the face of the planet should be allowed to be this cute.
2. No animal on the face of the planet should be allowed to be this ugly.
3. No such animal as pictured can exist on this planet and is, therefore, an alien life form and should, therefore, be studied by scientists and psychics and producers of silly reality television shows.

To wit:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

This animal is in violation of Rule 1 as stated above. Upon beholding the intense and excessive cuteness of this baby bovine quadruped, my husband was forced to call your janitorial staff to squeegee my puddly remains from the floor of your livestock expo area.

This scene could have been avoided had your board ensured all animals on display at your county fair were in compliance with the aforementioned three rules.

Other examples of violations of Rule 1 include:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009


Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Last but not least of the violations of Rule 1, sirs, was this little number:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

And...I just spontaneously became pregnant with three sets of twins. Maybe four.

The 2009 Ottawa County Fair reckless rule-breaking madness didn't end there. Just look at the following photo accounts of violations of Rule 2 I recorded while visiting your ignoble and base gathering of beasts:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

That this man, dressed in overalls and a trucker's cap, was posed to look incredulously at a tornado shelter in the middle of a public fair was obvious.

If the budget funding your attempts to portray the local townsfolk in a realistic way is running low, allow me to suggest turning the produce and baked items sections of your expo center into cash cows by unleashing them onto the free market:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Perhaps your fundraising efforts will yield a surplus profit that could cover shipping costs incurred by sending the following specimens in violation of Rule 3 to appropriate authorities for study and, if necessary, deportation to their native planets:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

Ottawa County Fair 2009

See how these beings perplex your locals. This befuddled man was later seen putting cereal in the refrigerator and milk in the pantry and, later still, beer in the grill and burger patties in the makeshift ice bath he made in his wife's prized Maytag.

As for this specimen, no one has seen or head from it since its escape from this year's Ottawa County Fair:

Ottawa County Fair 2009

If local search parties are unsuccessful in locating this escapee, I would be happy to help connect you with the federal or even intergalactic authorities, both of whom seem particularly interested its apprehension.

Thank you, sirs, for your attention and prompt cure of these violations. I trust the 2010 Ottawa County Fair will warrant a different sort of letter entirely - perhaps a benign form letter, or maybe even a congratulatory one, if you play your cards right.

Warmest regards,

Tasha Ball
Official Blogger of the Tulsa State Fair Cheese on a Stick
Auxiliary Strawberry Newberg Photographer
Amateur Funnel Cake Taste-Tester, API (Always Prepared Interpreter)

6 comments:

Traveling Spork said...

What am I doing with my arm? I notice I old my thumbs weird. Weird. Anyway, glad you liked the faire and always happy to help clean crap off your stroller.

suburban hippie mama said...

Be careful joking about having twins young lady...it just might happen :)

Redneck Diva said...

DADGUMMIT! I have only missed TWO Ottawa County Fairs in my LIFE and this was #2! I am distraught. And disappointed.

And also borderline whizzed you didn't tweet me so I could come stalk you or something. You and Traveling Spork and your desire to not be stalked are just no fun if you ask me.

Redneck Diva said...

HOWEVER

At the GNO....there will be stalking.

You've been warned. :-)

Matt & Alisha said...

I am agreeing with Redneck Diva. And I went two nights since I couldn't get enough in one night!!!! I think that stalking would have been fun!!!

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