Monday, January 26, 2009

Ten Things to Do During an Oklahoma Ice Storm

It's Ice Storm 2009, so I thought some of you out there might need a few ideas on how to spend the next couple of days, which threaten to be a bore from h-e-double hockey sticks.

1. Go to work against all good advice. Travel the treacherous roads home for lunch. Mid-way through your grilled cheese sandwich, notice your car has slid from the driveway out into the middle of the very busy street on which you live, looking very innocent and lost and wanting. Not that that has actually ever happened, because it has. 

2. If the power goes out, make plans to spend the night at the office. Bring Family Guy box sets and a tent.

3. Go to Wal-Mart. Buy canned soup, frozen pizza, oatmeal, kitty litter, sidewalk salt and ice scrapers - that is, if there is still an inventory of these items. Get trampled by a crowd scared witless of being stranded or without power for a few days. Or, just hang out, especially if the power is out at your place. I recommend the spontaneous Guitar Hero tourneys in electronics.

4. Drive like this guy:

"If you don't know how to drive in bad weather, then keep your butt at home. YOU ARE THE REASON ACCIDENTS HAPPEN! Snow, rain, and ice are one thing, but dodging idiot drivers that don't know how to drive in it and are going way too slow is almost impossible. I'll give you a hint the gas pedal is on the right side and you push on it with your foot. Roads were not made to go 5 mph on. Learn how to drive or don't drive at all. That's why we have public transportation. It's for idiots that don't know how to drive."

From an actual Myspace bulletin. No, seriously. These people exist. Worse, they share the roads on which our kids travel in school buses. God help us all.

5. Thinking it'll be all sexy, sleep next to the fireplace. Wake up with the mother of all headaches and stumble around for awhile, unable to process any thought. Call 911 immediately, because you have carbon monoxide poisoning.

I'm not making fun of carbon monoxide poisoning; I mean, I don't really mean to. It's the silent killer, and it could happen completely without your knowing. If you have a detector, give it a test tonight before you turn in. If not, follow these precautions.

6. Don't bathe for three days. Better, use wet wipes.

Wait. I just went three days without bathing, and I got started on that before I even heard this ice storm was coming. But hey, don't get all mad - I didn't come up with the benefits of being a work-at-home mom. Did you know that if you routinely go 2-3 days without washing your hair, it stops getting greasy? Fun fact. Hire me!

7. Burrow in that friend from work's apartment with some of their friends and also some of their friends, because that apartment is the only dwelling within a 15-mile radius with electricity. Inadvertently poison everyone with a giant vat of chicken chili that sat in a non-functioning refrigerator for longer than you thought. Then don't feel as bad about it because those friends of your friends are probably the worst people ever, and there's nothing wrong with giving these types of people a little stinky chicken.

8. Anticipate the yard work, which in some cases will keep everyone in a large family occupied until August.

See the dented hood on that classic, irreplaceable car? It was smashed by a snapped tree limb during the 2007 ice storm. See the piles of limbs and twigs? And the forest of split trees and downed limbs over yonder?

It all has to be cleaned up for the springtime yard party season, and that's reason enough to encourage your kids to get jobs in Tulsa. Find ways in which to scare your junior-in-college offspring out of the bright lights of Houston or Dallas - mention the crime rates or pollution or something. You'll need those bodies for moving tree limbs after these winter ice storms. The closer the little birds live to the nest, the easier they are to con into performing manual labor while you "delegate."

Don't say I never offered up a way to stop Tulsa's brain drain.We need more people to stay here who don't write things like "over yonder." And we do love our springtime yard parties.

9. Compare stories from last year's ice storm with other victims. Endlessly. Everywhere you go. At every turn. Did I say endlessly? Endlessly.

10. Ask unwitting souls what they do for fun during an Oklahoma ice storm. Aaron has this theory about what most people do when it's icy and the power fails, but he hasn't gotten around to charting 2008 births to see if there was a surge in late summer and thus proving his hunch. I prefer to hop on Facebook and Twitter than to theorize.

"Amuse myself with the overreaction of the general public."
"Clean the house! Yep, it's actually fun for me since I don't have time to do it too often."
"Light a fire, pour some wine and blast the stereo (while saying prayers over and over that the huge birch tree in my backyard doesn't fall on the house)."
"I sit and shiver in the dark for 13 days."
"Curl up in bed under as many covers as possible with all my animals (and fiance) and read and sip hot tea or other beverages."

Hm. I think I prefer to trick myself into thinking there might be substance to my husband's theory. It's certainly more exciting than picturing all of you shivering and house cleaning. Not that you don't look good doing it. I'm just sayin'.

Yet another thing to do on your break from battening down the hatches is to check to see if the events for the next couple of days on the TDT calendar are still on. Do it before you brave the roads, not on your iPhone en route. Okay? Be safe, and stay warm. And sexy.

UPDATE//Another ice storm post. The photos are pretty much unbelievable. 


Yogi♪♪♪ said...

As good a list as I've seem.

Amanda said...

When you visited me this weekend I didn't shower once! That's totally weird considering I shower twice a day every day except for when you come..... hmmm....

snico said...

Heeeyyy.... that #7 feels strangely familiar!

kelly said...

Hi Tasha! Good post!! You should post this to because your blog entry can get more exposure and more readers!

Keep blogging and see u on Facebook too!

Anonymous said...

Great list.
I would add "pray that you don't lose your internet connection."

Janet said...

Love the list. Nothing like braving an Oklahoma Ice Storm

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